Maybe, Maybe, Maybe

I have found my “Sacred Maybe”. And it feels really good.

For most of my childhood and young adult life, I was a Yes woman. I said yes to anyone who asked for my help, let my boundaries get blurred too often and found myself very resentful and depleted of energy. I gave my love away freely, because I had a lot to give, but also because I was afraid to say No. What using my “sacred maybe” has helped me do is find my balance and a steady platform from which to make empowering choices and the ability to see that it’s not really about saying yes or saying no, but about letting go in order to receive.

Here is what I am learning about maybe, so far:

Maybe is not a cop out.

Maybe is strong.

Maybe is the right to pause.

Maybe is standing in the center and looking both ways.

Maybe is a sigh of relief.

Maybe is empowering.

Maybe is not a short cut.

Maybe does not need be said out loud in order to be heard.

Maybe is healing.

Maybe is a practice in patience with yourself.

For too long, I have responded right away, said yes too quickly, agreed in order to keep the peace, or not offend someone. I have agreed to help someone even though I was too tired, or needed to do something else, just simply because they asked me to. I have neglected myself by giving too much to others. I have resented commitments, obligations, plans made months ago, favors that cost too much and friends and lovers who take what they need and never give back anything in return.  For too long I was a Yes woman, and it was exhausting.

A few years back I got sick, burnout, chronic-fatigued and very, very, angry. Yes had led me away from myself, Yes had become a very bad habit, and the only way I knew how to break her was cold turkey.  I went into seclusion, I hid behind fatigue, I started ignoring people, and could only seem to yell No when asked to do anything. It seemed to be the only way to get back to myself, by going complete hermit, but that too eventually became a crutch instead of an empowering choice.

I don’t know about you, but I when I’m stressed out I have a tendency to see things in black & white, good or bad, pass or fail. Sometimes I can feel trapped by choice, seeing both sides of the coin so clearly. And to just escape that ruminating thought pattern that comes with making a big decision, I would impulsively send an abrupt yes or no. Leaving me a mild feeling of relief, but nothing lasting or substantial. Sometimes things worked out fine, other times, things got very ugly.

I was mistaking impulsiveness for intuition, and that was a big mistake. I was not honoring myself by just responding instead of admitting that I didn’t know, or that I didn’t like the answer. I was impatient with my healing, with the universe and feeling like I just couldn't win or catch a break.

This year has been a practice in patience. This year I have gotten to know myself and gotten closer to myself more than ever. I feel so close to my heart, my path, and my intuition, it is unbelieveable. This year I was also forced to face some of the deepest and darkest shadows in me, to reevaluate the choices I had been making, and to learn some really deep lessons about my patterns of behavior and the things I have been ignoring for too long. And one of the greatest gifts I have learned to give myself is that of a sacred pause. Waiting, sitting in the shit of uncertainty and the fear of what if, and the pain of old hurts and scars. But when it's time to finally heal, it is time. Holding space for yourself to be messy is the only thing that really helps. And it is in that pause that I was able to find my “sacred maybe” and ultimately myself.

Maybe means you don’t have to answer right away. Maybe means, I have to think about it, and that’s ok. Maybe means, just because someone asked me to do something, doesn’t mean that I necessarily have to do it. Maybe means that even if I said yes or no too quickly, I have the right to change my mind. My “Sacred Maybe” is a way that I can honor myself by taking the time to check in with my heart and my guides so that I may make an empowered choice instead of one from fear or impatience.

Maybe, is standing in the center and just looking, seeing that neither choice is good or bad, it’s just karma, choosing one direction over another.

By remembering my “Sacred Maybe” I am remembering to take a pause, in order to ensure that I always choose love and respect for myself. Maybe helps me choose me, and that’s the best choice you can ever make for yourself.